Time for another instalment of Stream of Consciousness Saturday:
Okay, so this post isn’t about cigars. I figured I should say that, right off the bat. There is no mention of a cigar anywhere, from here on out. I just liked the phrase.
Every damn time, it felt like, I got so close and then the floor just dropped out from underfoot.
I could see where I wanted to go, where I wanted to end up, but somehow I missed the mark, every time.
I had gone to school for years, fighting so many obstacles, and it had been both rewarding and hard work.
I almost got held back while my friends were off to high school, but I had managed to avoid that at least.
But now, I was almost at the end, but not quite. I guess “almost” is a relative term, because I actually only had half the credits I needed to graduate, but in the grand scheme of things it felt close enough to my mind.
Right around this time a song came out that I would equate with this feeling of frustration, that I couldn’t quite do it. I had been almost at the end of the road, but I had to face the fact that I would be left behind.
I’d lost everything. It felt like I had nothing to show for all that hard work. How was I supposed to get over this disappointment I felt?
The anger in the song mirrored the anger I felt at myself, for almost making it to the milestone, one so many parents celebrate for their children, but I had fallen short.
I was almost certain I was letting everyone down: my parents, the teachers that had helped me along the way, and myself of course.
Almost wasn’t good enough. I hadn’t been good enough.
Next would come two relationships. Two years. Two-and-a-half. Same disappointment. That’s life sometimes, I suppose.
I could blame it on my bad health and illness, bad luck, or maybe it was me.
7 thoughts on “SoCS: Close But No Cigar”
It is never too late. Also, don’t worry about how you might have let someone else down. Your only responsibility is to yourself.
You have a point. That is true in most cases. Thank you for reading.
Sorry you had a rough time Kerry. I don’t think that it’s that you weren’t good enough and in my opinion no experience in life is wasted or doesn’t matter. It all matters the good and the bad because the struggles ultimately shape us into the people we are meant to be. Sure we all will face disappointments and will continue to do so but it’s how we walk through these times that determines how we will come out on the other end.
Just look at what you’ve accomlilshed with your blog and how many people you are touching and impacting. You are making a difference and the fact that you can do it with health issues and other obstacles speaks to your strength Kerry. You are a remarkable young woman and I admire you. ~Steph
It seems to me, looking back, there are more “almosts” than there are victories. I believe that’s what really keeps us trying though.
I second Steph’s comment – working against numerous obstacles can only make you stronger. Hang in there. 🙂
That’s life sometimes.
Thanks for the encouraging words.
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