How do they do it? They make it look so effortless, so seamless, and so perfectible.
I live in a black and white world, greys and colourless views, but I know very few things are black and white in reality. Why then do I stare and stare at other people and buy into the idea that their lives are the essence of perfect?
They make it seem so effortless and I feel the effort in everything I do, every day.
I feel like if I am not better, if I can’t figure out how to be better than I currently am that I will lose the attention of anyone at all. I fear losing people, but I try to push back my feelings of jealousy and envy at all they have, or all I perceive them to have.
I know envy is a sin. I know it is frowned upon. It certainly isn’t attractive, by any stretch of the imagination.
There’s the woman with the perfect sense of style, perfectly put-together outfits, making being a woman appear so effortless. She has the perfect life, with the best friendships, the most wonderful career, and the love of a partner who is her equal and her world. Effortless.
I never had anything. I never will. Nothing is effortless for me or ever will be.
There it is…all the negativity I usually keep pent up inside, but letting it out won’t help. Stop it anyway, I tell myself, over and over again.
The negative talk started young, when I felt I was fighting so hard for all I could get my hands on – everything it seemed everyone else already had and might currently be taking for granted. I couldn’t quite live up to the image I saw of other girls. I could see through a very narrow field of vision, tunnel vision, as my visual ability allowed, but this didn’t let me see the truth as it actually stood.
What reality was I seeing when it came to others and then how did I fit into the picture?
How brutally would I end up disappointing them all, when they saw how bad I was failing? How could I allow anyone to see this? Better that I hide away from them all, quick before I was revealed and I could not hide one second more.
Black and White – Sarah McLachlan
Truth is is nobody has it all figured out, at all times. No one. How can I get that through my thick skull?
Linda explains how in life, with age, some things become harder and others aren’t so bad:
Just Jot It January 11th – Effortless
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“Truth is is nobody has it all figured out, at all times. No one.” <- That is the truth!
That is true. You are right.
We all have problems … some of us are better at hiding them than others.
Yes. You are correct. Some seem to have a gift for it, somehow, but none of the rest of us can truly know what may be hiding underneath.
Thanks.
I so know that feeling. Low self esteem is a curse in my opinion. I started to think differently about my jealousy when I read Julia Cameron’s “The Artists Way”. She said our jealousy is a guide to what we would like to have we just have to get over the wrong believe we can’t have it. Once we allow ourselves to have all those things or attributes we find our way to achieve them. Take good care of yourself. Something good is waiting for you 🙂
A curse, for sure.
I know what you mean. It makes a lot of sense. I see what I would like to have and to become and to do. I just need to keep working on getting there myself.
Thank you very much.
🙂
As humans all of us are fragile and no one has a perfect life. Sometimes the perceived perfection is only a snapshot, a moment forever captured in time but not necessarily reality. Everything isn’t always as it seems. There have been days when I thought my life was waste and that I served no useful purpose but I’ve come to learn that most of the time when I have those negative thoughts and feelings it’s the depression and my perception is skewed. Once I begin feeling better I can regain control of my thoughts and move on.
Snapshot is the perfect word to describe it.
I have my depressed moments, but thankfully they don’t last long. It isn’t a pleasant feeling, as I am sure you are aware.
Oh my heavens yes, I’ve suffered depression most of my life and it’s no joke. Sometimes when the darkness settles it feels like it will never dissipate.
The furthest thing. So sorry you’ve had to deal with that all your life. Nobody deserves that kind of suffering.
Yeah, it was always my desire to be normal or rather feel normal but such is life. Thankfully medicine has been able to keep it under control.
Envy is a killer. We’re really good, us humans, at wanting what we see. We are also really good at ignoring everything else that comes with it.
No one has it all, all the time.
I had to be convinced I deserved my happiness. Check down deep and make sure that’s not also the case for you.
Wishing you better days 🙂
Thank you. I am checking and I do believe that is a problem for me. I hope that writing about it can help me work through it.