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Just Jot It January: Black, White, and Green With Envy, #JusJoJan

How do they do it? They make it look so effortless, so seamless, and so perfectible.


I live in a black and white world, greys and colourless views, but I know very few things are black and white in reality. Why then do I stare and stare at other people and buy into the idea that their lives are the essence of perfect?

They make it seem so effortless and I feel the effort in everything I do, every day.

I feel like if I am not better, if I can’t figure out how to be better than I currently am that I will lose the attention of anyone at all. I fear losing people, but I try to push back my feelings of jealousy and envy at all they have, or all I perceive them to have.

I know envy is a sin. I know it is frowned upon. It certainly isn’t attractive, by any stretch of the imagination.

There’s the woman with the perfect sense of style, perfectly put-together outfits, making being a woman appear so effortless. She has the perfect life, with the best friendships, the most wonderful career, and the love of a partner who is her equal and her world. Effortless.

I never had anything. I never will. Nothing is effortless for me or ever will be.

There it is…all the negativity I usually keep pent up inside, but letting it out won’t help. Stop it anyway, I tell myself, over and over again.

The negative talk started young, when I felt I was fighting so hard for all I could get my hands on – everything it seemed everyone else already had and might currently be taking for granted. I couldn’t quite live up to the image I saw of other girls. I could see through a very narrow field of vision, tunnel vision, as my visual ability allowed, but this didn’t let me see the truth as it actually stood.

What reality was I seeing when it came to others and then how did I fit into the picture?

How brutally would I end up disappointing them all, when they saw how bad I was failing? How could I allow anyone to see this? Better that I hide away from them all, quick before I was revealed and I could not hide one second more.

Black and White – Sarah McLachlan

Truth is is nobody has it all figured out, at all times. No one. How can I get that through my thick skull?

Linda explains how in life, with age, some things become harder and others aren’t so bad:

Just Jot It January 11th – Effortless

Check out the

No Facilities

blog, host of today’s

Just Jot It January.


13 thoughts on “Just Jot It January: Black, White, and Green With Envy, #JusJoJan

  1. Morgaine620 says:

    I so know that feeling. Low self esteem is a curse in my opinion. I started to think differently about my jealousy when I read Julia Cameron’s “The Artists Way”. She said our jealousy is a guide to what we would like to have we just have to get over the wrong believe we can’t have it. Once we allow ourselves to have all those things or attributes we find our way to achieve them. Take good care of yourself. Something good is waiting for you 🙂

    • A curse, for sure.
      I know what you mean. It makes a lot of sense. I see what I would like to have and to become and to do. I just need to keep working on getting there myself.
      Thank you very much.

  2. As humans all of us are fragile and no one has a perfect life. Sometimes the perceived perfection is only a snapshot, a moment forever captured in time but not necessarily reality. Everything isn’t always as it seems. There have been days when I thought my life was waste and that I served no useful purpose but I’ve come to learn that most of the time when I have those negative thoughts and feelings it’s the depression and my perception is skewed. Once I begin feeling better I can regain control of my thoughts and move on.

  3. Envy is a killer. We’re really good, us humans, at wanting what we see. We are also really good at ignoring everything else that comes with it.
    No one has it all, all the time.
    I had to be convinced I deserved my happiness. Check down deep and make sure that’s not also the case for you.
    Wishing you better days 🙂

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