It’s complicated. Love is complicated. Those who can argue this point are either very lucky or very determined. I envy them for that.
As a two-parter for the final few remaining
I plan to borrow from the proceeding
to speak, through lyrics, about the highs and lows of love and relationships.
No matter where I’ve been or what I might have been doing in my life, lyrics have always just been there. I am more mindful of my own feelings and those of others because of this fact.
I don’t care if you’re 15 or 25 – it never feels good to be dumped over the phone.
But I suppose it’s a step up, slight as can be, from how it’s done today, over a text.
There was one Christmas I won’t soon forget. Anticipation building. Coming home, in the snow, with the lights and a smile and thoughts of the possibility of ease of conversation, fresh memory of a first date lingering.
Then there was the awkward Christmas Day night date. A little soon, to meet family perhaps, making for one awkward time. Or the New Year’s Eve party invite that was turned down in fear and hesitation. More than one missed opportunities and one cold Valentine’s Day, on the front porch swing, and a giant teddy bear, holding a huge heart.
Within one month though, after a bad movie date, the most uncomfortable movie choice and a sign of things to come: He’s Just Not That Into You. Yeah, really, it was over, but I’d get the T-shirt.
It’s amazing how much can change between when a movie is out in theatres and when it comes out on video/DVD.
Did I know what I wanted? Did I have a clue? Sometimes you’ve just got to go with it. If you look back, at the good times and your need to reach back into the past and change it all is no greater than your fondest memories that also took place, then perhaps it all happened for a reason.
Something had swept me away. Maybe it was the excited commotion of my sister’s upcoming wedding. I don’t really know for sure. I missed her bachelorette party for another wedding that came first. I was being pulled in two different directions, but family comes first and I felt guilty. That was the summer of marriages, but for me, it all revolved around the question, the feeling of love.
How do you really know when you’re in love? People always just say you’ll know. Simple as that.
A relationship is all about compromise. Give and take, right? Or should that really be a lot more “give” and a lot less “take”?
Long distance romance. How would that work? Does that work for people? If so, how can it be sustained? I could never quite figure that part out, after the initial excitement wore off.
I made some big decisions, out of fear mostly, and the time of these was short lived, but a hard one to take in, once I realized what a big mistake I’d made.
“I don’t know what I’ve done. Or if I like what I’ve begun. Something told me to run
and honey, you know me – it’s all or none. But there were sounds in my head, little voices whispering. That I should go and this should end. And I found myself listening.”
Shared values were always important to me, but somewhere along the line I’d lost sight of that. I had to take back my life.
Now, I had no desire to learn to “move like Jagger”, but I did feel like I wanted to live-in-the-moment, as summertime tends to affect me in a strange way, I was now ready to live out a summer filled with new experiences and opportunities to try things I hadn’t tried before.
(A lot more about these things to come in a guest post I wrote, which should be coming in the next few weeks.)
Love. I could feel it building, once more, but what would make it different this time?
I was afraid that finding happiness was a fluke, one that wasn’t even what I’d wanted, or what was right for me. I was scared I’d never find anything more, again, but it was the reassuring word of my big brother, in an email, that gave me back my faith.
He basically sold me on the whole “plenty of fish in the sea” argument, but his sale wasn’t one I had to doubt. He was right. He usually, nearly almost always is. Since he gave me this most excellent, highly rational and logical advice he has become a parent. Everyone knows parents know everything, right? Of course they do.
The home I live in now holds onto memories, even if some days I wished it wouldn’t, but some of the best are wrapped up inside of the home I lived in first, but of which now belongs to my parents.
I can’t escape some things, so I don’t even bother trying. I’ve simply had to let the memories wash over me, from those first and hardest of days up until today. I smile, at least once, every time I visit there now, even as my heart/gut does just the slightest twinge at the same time.
So, when the newness of a relationship begins to fade, reality sets in and brings everything into sharper focus. Things that may have always been there or newly grow, slow, they can’t soon be ignored.
And then the fall and I wonder…
“Flames to dust. Lovers to friends. Why do all good things come to an end?”
And I’m left to ponder this eternal/universal question.
Until Part Two, next Monday.