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Love/Hate/Admire #FTSF

When I originally heard this prompt,
this song
immediately came to mind.

This isn’t about that though. If only we could see ourselves like others see us. Or not.

I don’t see it, physically see it, but others do. I feel it, carry it along, and am stuck with it.

Why then would I use that word “stuck” and hope to feel okay about myself?

I have not given birth. If I could look/feel and know I did something so grand, even as I am now, I could accept it. Or, maybe even then I’d feel shame. I like to think I’d have a good reason to be me now, if that version of myself had gone through the miracle of pregnancy and birth. Instead, all I can do is wear my bathing suit without fear that someone might see the long scar, running down the middle of my back.

When it comes to this body of mine, I know by the scars on my chest, abdomen, and back, that I went through some stuff. I don’t try to hide that with expensive creams that promise scar reduction and removal. I feel pride.

I grew, since being so young and tiny, and I put the blame on steroid medications that got me here, though I praise them for the power to keep me healthy. Yet, maybe it’s my own choices that got me here.

I can’t believe I got all this way, just to hate myself for so many things, variables, those I have had a hand in and those I haven’t.

I’ve been sick enough to know that the body is an amazing thing. I’ve hated a body that hurt so much, but I can hold my niece, hug my nephews and niece close. I can feed myself and move a finger or a limb when my brain says so.

I am blessed to have the body I have. None of us like ourselves or others all the time, but we love and we appreciate even still.

This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday post in its new format. This week is a 5-minute stream-of-consciousness post using the prompt “When it comes to this body…” with
Kristi from Finding Ninee
and her co-host
Kenya G. Johnson
leading the way on a new year and new weekly prompt changes.

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7 thoughts on “Love/Hate/Admire #FTSF

  1. one of the most interesting things about this week’s prompt (and the posts that were written) wasn’t merely how differently we all feel about our bodies. That range (of differences) is not so surprising. What has been interesting has been the relationship we, as individual describe. I found myself wondering at the use of ‘it’ when referring to our bodies, against the idea that, in a sense, we are our bodies, our bodies are us…
    whoah…. Metaphysics-Villa two miles on the right, (turn or don’t turn*)
    * ha ha
    enjoyed your post this week, Kerry

  2. While I completely relate to not feeling like my body is/used to be worth anything without giving birth, our bodies ARE. It’s sad that we are conditioned to believe that bringing new life into this world is what makes our “ugly” bodies being ugly as something that’s okay. If that makes sense. I’m so ashamed of my weight, and it isn’t even all that bad… and I say that at least I had a kid. But I felt like that before having him too. Sigh. So hard we are on ourselves. Also, I didn’t know that song and appreciated hearing it. Thank you. xoxo

  3. Kerry, I never imagined so much would come out of this prompt. Initially I thought it funny, that I’d poke fun at the parts of me that I don’t like and then I found it hard to write at all. I love the direction you took and I felt deeply what you feel. I remember what it feels like to not have given birth and thoughts of wondering if it would. Ultimately having a baby did work out for me but it didn’t change “who” I was, it just made my life “different”. It is a grand experience but don’t ever think less of yourself because you haven’t had it. Nieces and nephew hugs sound wonderful, I don’t have any of those 😉

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