I lied. I haven’t been writing here on the daily in January and this is actually Sunday, not Saturday, but I feel like writing stream of consciousness today. But I’ve been writing less this month than last year. Come this January, 2021 and I’m wandering aimless, arriving here yet again – most days, I no longer know what to say anyway.
I want us white people to stop denying and downplaying white supremacy, not only in one country but all over.
It worries me to know we have hateful people here in Canada too. It is a part of the book I’m currently reading. It’s called On Colour and it’s about colour in art, culture, in metaphor and in optical literalness.
I am on the chapter about the colour white, after red (my favourite) and blue and yellow and orange and grey and black and brown. I honestly need to read each colour designated chapter over again because I’ve already forgotten a lot of what I originally read.
I only know that something scary happened at the capitol building in Washington D.C. It was brought on by the still current president and he needs to go and we need to stop downplaying his influence…simply because it’s not so fun to think about.
It hurts to know that all those people were white, just like me. I don’t want to be associated with them, not by skin colour or anything else. I want them to go home and find a better hobby.
The white chapter talks about the symbolism in what’s been called the “Greatest American Novel” as they say, Moby-Dick. I tried to read it, by the way once, but didn’t get very far. It’s such an old novel, language so different from what I’m used to and it’s a long one, quite the commitment.
I struggle a lot with white and black and with blind because it’s all in the Bible and how do we push back against that, without seemingly going after an entire religion that’s existed for thousands of years?
Dark and black and blind aren’t bad things. They are worth knowing, experiencing, living. They are all better things than that wanna-be-dictator and his wretched family will ever be.
Up until now, his power in that Whitehouse has felt limitless and he’s had very few limits imposed on him. That’s why he wanted that position, not to help anybody or support any one of you.
He’s gone unchecked it’s felt like, but I hope some of that tide is turning with January 20th approaching.
Or, at least, that’s what many believe and keep telling me to reassure me.
This blog may seemingly be all posts about him this January, this 2021 year, but that’s because I’ve put up with him there for the last four years and I want him gone.
Or else it has been, but soon won’t be, or should not be certainly.
I am afraid for the future with all of what I’ve spoken of here, as much as I have hope things will improve because I choose to not be metaphorically blind to what I symbolically see happening right in front of my own eyes.
At the same time, I feel like I drive people away with this kind of talk and I feel lonely at the thought of it.
More than that, I can’t stay quiet and, if I’m saying things many don’t like hearing, it’s because I know they see what I don’t, that mob of white men and women who smashed windows and brandished those silly flags and made a mockery of that country and of all of us who are white, even those of us who oppose them and what they’re standing there for.
How would I feel if that happened in my country’s capitol building? How would you, you who aren’t “American”? How do you feel?
I have never been assaulted, sexually or otherwise, but I’ve heard the analogy of it when something like what happened Wednesday happens. It’s like you’re watching a part of you being assaulted, invaded, intruded on but with physical attacks, you can’t leave your own body and must live with it, the scene of the crime(s).
So I’m nervous, as I state for this recording, that this isn’t over and those who carry out white supremacist acts aren’t done because they were, for the most part, emboldened by what they got away with.
He’s quiet now, as his tool for spreading misinformation has been removed (Twitter), but I enjoyed that last period of relative silence from him in the days immediately following November 3rd and we know, from calls now released, what he was doing during those rare moments of calm in these last couple months.
He’s backed into a corner now and he’s using white supremacy to his benefit, the only one person he cares anything for, himself.
He thinks his power has no limits set on it. White people have been allowed to trample over all other places and races for far too long now.
I want it stopped. As someone who has benefited from it, I want to stop it, as I know what it’s like to be one of the marginalized and feeling completely powerless while so many have more than enough is an icky feeling.
I am trying to make it to my 37th birthday without there being more damage done in the name of the whiteness I carry in my skin and in my European heritage.
Justin Trudeau famously said of having a diverse government, it’s 2015, and now it’s 2021 and the next “US” president is on his way and making his cabinet more diverse as well.
The white race, the white man is being overrun by other races and genders and they are afraid too.
We’re all driven by fear and I want to be driven by love instead, something #45 knows not a thing about. He’s been deprived of it, since the day he was born, but as bad as I sometimes feel for that little boy he once was, even Hitler was a baby once.
I am not going to shy away from the comparison, as one journalist/politician recently wrote, but her and so many have resisted doing that for years and I want limits on any one man’s power in this world because power can and does currupt, even the most decent one among us.
Government like that in Canada can’t feel free to flout rules that the rest of us follow to help the hospitals not get overrun in a pandemic and politicians shouldn’t feel free to help themselves to limitless exceptions. They should stay home for once. Do their jobs and not get privileges from it; that erodes the trust the rest have in those running our nations.
It all ends up in the same place, as we can see if we really choose to see it.
Our white skin means nothing over any other. Just because a Bible verse says something about darkness being bad and whiteness being pure and good doesn’t mean anything to me.
As writer, I love words that mean multiple things and colour has been no exception, but I want to write better. I want to love colours, as much as I miss them, for what they are and they are simply colour.
I want us all to live in peace and so much of what religious text says gives people excuses to act badly toward others if they’re different. It trickles down and I’m being hit with it, like when a droplet of spit from someone talking hits you on the lip and you wipe it away in disgust, as reflex.
I want to hear about religion that treats all life with respect or else we, as a species, we have nothing at all.
And this doesn’t even get me started on groups like the police who’ve been built on white supremacy and colonization, here and all places.
No wonder Indigenous people in Canada and elsewhere do not have any faith in the government or in the police or any other organization, those given the responsibility of protecting and serving others.
I don’t say, to de-fund the police, but to see where the need is and to take power and dominance out of the equation going forward because, of course, we can’t go back and change the past.
My ability to go on and on here is sometimes limitless, as jotting seems to allow, but I need an outlet and this is it, when my voice falters and I want to hide away from everything.
I’m off to explore my back yard for an online nature writing class I’m taking virtually in the next few months. I hope they will be better, that I can focus on the natural world that functions just as it should.
I want to listen to the flocks of Canada geese that congregate in the park near my house, in the skies that are limitless to them as they fly.
I want to pay attention to the single crow in my yard and listen for what it might be trying to tell us in the starkness of this winter day.