Last week’s Memoir Monday was inspired by a well-known Cyndi Lauper song:
This week, for the
Back to business.
Q: Does disability affect you in other ways? If so, how?
A: Sure it does, in ways big and small and in many ways I don’t even really think about or notice so much.
However, in one big way. It affects my dating and my love life.
What am I attracted to? What is attractive to me in the opposite sex?
I have asked myself this many times, and yeah, if I don’t know, who will.
So much of our society hinges on the physical and on looks and appearances, and dating is no exception. In fact, it is high up there.
Love is blind.
There are many common phrases having to do with love and including the word blind.
I had enough sight, in the past, to have gotten a pretty clear picture what my family looked like.
By the time I was old enough to be interested in guys and dating, my vision had declined so much so that looks were not high on the list of priority. How could they be?
Then, if I did feel like I wanted to have opinions and views on what a guy looked like, all in my head, I felt unnecessarily vain. What did it matter for me? Shouldn’t I be the one person that did not matter to?
I have the same sorts of issues in imagining what someone might look like that I might be interested in dating as I do with myself. I try really hard to picture what they look like and how I might feel about that if I could suddenly see.
I’ve often thought, when I’m in a relationship with someone, what would happen if I suddenly got my sight back. Would I have found myself still attracted to that person if I saw them, whereas being unable to see I fell in love with them for other reasons.
Do guys need to feel attractive? Of course they do, but what happens when I am unable to see them to pay them the compliments they may need to feel wanted. I could pay them a compliment about their looks, to make them feel good, but it would not feel natural to me.
I am no good at saying something that I can’t feel to be the case. this isn’t to say I wouldn’t feel that way if I could see, but if I were to say it, in my case, it wouldn’t feel authentically my view.
Has this contributed to past issues in past relationships?
I feel at a disadvantage when dating as a woman who is not immune to the uncertainty of my own physical appearance, like most women. The other person can see me and all my flaws, whereas I see nothing of them.
Does this make me a more accepting and less critical person?
I am attracted to a certain sounding voice, laugh, and many other little verbal cues. I pay close attention to smell. I focus on if our senses of humour match and if I think we will laugh a lot. I have many things I look for and this list has grown, the more experiences I have had.
Maybe most people wouldn’t notice or be bothered by or with these things because they are focused on looks.
Dating is made more difficult at times. I am constantly working on my self-confidence because everyone’s attracted to confidence, both women and men.
I am overly self-aware in public and on dates, nervous at the disadvantage I am clearly at.
I have done okay. I have dated and have been in love. I have had my heart broken and have done the breaking. It feels nice to be normal in that way, is what I tell myself when I am in the midst of that pain and later on when I am out of it.
I can not catch a guy’s eye from across a crowded room. I can not smile at him and make the kind of first impression I would like.
I know a blind woman can be intimidating, in the way that guys may not feel comfortable approaching me. This makes meeting people difficult.
I have the fear, that I had before I dated much, and I have it again now. Will I ever meet anyone again? Will I end up alone? Does my blindness, in the end, does it make me difficult to be in a relationship with for any length of time? Has it cost me relationships in the past or will it cost me any in the future?
These questions and more plague me often, but I don’t know what answers are to be had.
In the end I make due. I make due without the non-verbal and the lack of body language. I deal with the fact that, to most guys who have never known a blind person, the idea of dating a blind girl makes them nervous.
Love is worth looking for and worth searching hard for. It’s worth it.
Next week is a free writing day.
What do you think you might replace with the physical attributes you look for when dating? If you could not see, what things about a person do you think you would be most attracted to and looking for?
Do you agree with the statement: love is blind?
Have you ever been on a “blind date”? How did it go?
Discussions on love and dating are some of my favourite to have, if you can’t tell.