Not literally of course, as my title suggests, but that is how I would describe the feeling that started it all, this last crazy week.
STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS SATURDAY
Well, it all actually began with a phone call I did not answer, on a Sunday morning, the moment I heard it was an “unknown” number calling. I didn’t see the point.
Shortly after I heard the loud knock at the door. I answered it, learned all I had missed, and I clung to the door for support at the news.
All year I have remembered 2014 and I think back on the beginning of 2015 and all the possibilities to cross my mind.
All that this year would have in store for me was a wild ride, up and down and back up again, and a giant loop or two thrown in for good measure.
But never would I have imagined that kick at the end, but here we are.
My heart’s beating roar slows back down to a steady rhythm, a norm I have been retraining my body to recognize. I put out my hand to steady myself, to restore my equilibrium again after this week comes to a close, as Christmas approaches, and as the holiday music and the last-minute shopping goes on by, slips past me like I hardly even hear.
I can’t think ahead to 2016 tonight because of all that this last block of December days has done to my mind. I can’t catch up. I can’t stop thinking. I need sleep.
How does a body restore itself after the sort of week I’ve had? How do I tell my brain that it will be okay once more?
Christmas is almost here. All the stores are crazy places to be. My mind is no calmer.
Stores don’t hold the only present I want this year. Never before have I needed stream of consciousness writing more than I do right now. I need to write again, to be able to put my thoughts into words again, and to be able to let the words explode here is to allow my sanity to be restored.
I will write and then I will sleep. I can finally sleep. No, not really. I can’t stop my mind from storing up fear after fear that this last week has caused. No store and no Christmas present would be enough if I lost the only younger brother I will ever have.
Merry Christmas everyone:
And with that…