TToT: Let Us Try This Again, Shall We? #WorldBookDay #FreedomToReadWeek #WorldWildlifeDay #10Thankful

Last week I meant to share one picture, of the flowers we brought my sister after giving birth to my new niece, but I somehow ended up posting only the flowers.

Nothing wrong with flowers, so that one becomes “the flower flower flower flower post”.

I am still thankful for the big things, for eight pound baby girls, but will sprinkle in a few smaller items, if I can as well.

Ten Things of Thankful

I am thankful for new music.

Lorde – Green Light

I am thankful for Mya Lynne and for my violin.

😉

Haha. Get it?

I’m thankful that I went for it and submitted the travel memoir piece I wrote in Mexico, about my evening with the mariachis, to
CBC Literary Prizes.

I spent all of February, editing madly, and I would say I am proud of what I sent in. Now for the long wait.

I’m thankful to have made contact this week and am now in communication, by email, with the man I met in Mexico. He is doing amazing things with his life.

Everyone Has A Disability

We both know a little something about living with a disability and I appreciate his perspective.

I’m thankful for the bond already forming between my nephew and niece.

Now, anytime I go to visit them, he always starts by saying, “Auntie Kerry, do you see my baby sister?”

Now that’s the question of one proud big brother.

I am thankful I got to read the words of a talented family member. He wrote a kickass spoken word piece about his wife and surprised her with it for her birthday last weekend.

It’s amazing to me that someone can love another person like that.

I wish I could have heard it in person, but I read the words and his writing was so sweet and so creatively epic.

Proud and thankful to be related to those two.

I would share it, but I’m not sure they’d want me to. Let’s just say, the word “citadel” is used at one point. It’s a song about a strong and one-of-a-kind woman. That’s spot on.

Ed Sheeran – Eraser (Live)

This new live Ed Sheeran song is another example of music, but with spoken word, poetry thrown in the mix.

I’m thankful for winter weather, while it’s still winter.

We went from above seasonal and warm temperatures at the beginning of the week and we’re ending it back firmly in winter, but spring is only officially a few weeks away now. The end and a new beginning, as many think of the arrival of spring, is on its way.

I enjoy a chilled night, without a harsh wind preferably, and feeling the gentle sprinkling of snowflakes coming down around me in the air. I’m going to miss that crunching noise when I walk outside in the packed snow underfoot.

I wish everyone could see that winter is supposed to be cold, to have snow, and to not show such love for the climate change that has an effect on nature and wildlife, and not in a good way. We should think about them a little more and less about our temporary discomforts. I know it’s hard. I don’t like freezing either, in the moment. But I do care about species such as butterflies and bees who pollinate. Those guys need spring to come in its own time. We shouldn’t try to rush it just because we are sick and tired of winter.

In the comments for TToT this week I say where I am from and what I love about living here. I love the four seasons we in Canada are lucky to experience. I grumble and groan my share, when I am shivering or sweating, but I want the planet to maintain itself, for my nieces and nephews, for a long long time to come.

The cousin and his wife I listed above, as a thankful, they work with nature and the environment. They’ve seen signs that aren’t good signs. They worry because they see it up close. They’ve taught me a lot.

I am thankful for people like them, doing all they can, to teach about the natural world we often neglect.

I’m thankful for the feeling of holding a baby.

She is such a contented baby too. As long as she’s not hungry, she’s happy to sleep a lot.

For me, I can feel disgusted with things happening in the world or whatever, but then I hold her and I feel the slight pressure of her in my arms and her breathing as she sleeps so still. It’s peaceful.

I then watch my nephew, all his energy, and how big he is. I am thankful for these children, at the separate ages that they are, and I know they grow so fast.

I am thankful for books and the freedom to read any book I want to.

Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss (read by Neil Gaiman)

I have shared stories read by Neil Gaiman here in the past. I enjoy his readings.

Happy Birthday Dr. Seuss.

Somebody I Once Knew: Playlist For a Broken Heart on the Mend, #SongLyricSunday #LoIsInDaBl

I am writing about song lyrics, again today, although I wrote part One last week on Monday:

I’VE GOT A FEELING (IT’S COMPLICATED)

Here is my final Sunday contribution to

LOVE IS IN DA BLOG 2016,

although hopefully not my last

SONG LYRIC SUNDAY.

It’s that list of the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally, acceptance.

The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief

Of course, with love and heartbreak, the stages can become entwined and out of order. They can overlap, from one to the next and back again. This list of emotions is usually known as the stages of losing a loved one, to death, but losing “love”, in any other way, this is a loss too. Although the other person isn’t gone completely, it still feels like it, a huge shock to the system, in so many ways.

And now I present to you…GOODBYE SONGS…a “somewhat” lengthy playlist of some of the song lyrics that got me through, are still getting me through. Perhaps they may be of some comfort to someone else.

Battlefield – Jordin Sparks

When I was younger I first heard this song and thought it was overdramatic and a bunch of silliness. Of course, the imagery is vivid and I don’t believe in war, I know love can feel rough, which makes it hard to handle. I don’t tend to yell or fight when I am in a relationship. My coping mechanism is to go quiet and hold back. I don’t know if there is a need for shouting in a relationship, but healthy conflict resolution must be possible.

Hurts To Be In Love – Gino Vannelli

When is the pain too great? When is it over, time to let go? I asked, last week, how you really know when you are falling in love. Now I ask…how do you know when you aren’t in love anymore? Does love end, change, disappear into thin air, never to be seen, felt, heard from again?

DENIAL

Between The Raindrops – Lifehouse Feat. Natasha Bedingfield

It can go on for a while, trouble, cracks forming in a relationship. Who knows when it really began. Who can say.

Just Give Me A Reason – Pink Feat. Nate Ruess

The denial that there’s anything underlying, underlining a growing rift. Often I feel like I can’t trust my instincts, or am afraid to, by me saying something I am going to make my worst fears come true. You cling to hope, as long as possible, until something makes things quite clear. By then it is too late, an eventuality that was always going to be the case.

Ghost Town – Madonna

“Maybe it was all too much, too much for a man to take. Everything’s bound to break. Sooner or later. sooner or later.”

–Madonna

Why are singers and artists obsessed with end-of-the-world, final days of humanity scenarios?

The whole “two of us against the world” thing is great and all, but I always feared it would never last, that I couldn’t ever truly count on that.

Hold On – Colbie Caillat

“We’re losing light, losing light. Yeah we’re fading fast. We had a fire, need a spark, or we’ll never last. Just look at me, look at me. I’ve been burning for you so long. So long. I should walk away.”

It’s the hardest thing to let go.

“I’m losing love, losing you, losing everything. Losing faith in the world where I wanna be. So I don’t care if the one thing that is killing me is so wrong, so wrong. I should walk away.”

–Colbie Caillat

Set Fire To The Rain – Adele

You close your eyes to the sights playing out right in front of you. So far, rain mentioned twice, as a metaphor for the cooling off of a relationship, but fire and rain make quite the combo.

Stay – Rihanna Feat. Mikky Ekko

“Ooh, the reason I hold on…ooh, cause I need this hole gone.”

–Rihanna

Payphone – Maroon 5 Feat. Wiz Khalifa

“I know it’s hard to remember, the people we used to be. It’s even harder to picture, that you’re not here next to me. You say it’s too late to make it, but is it too late to try? And all that time that you wasted all of my bridges burned down. I’ve wasted my nights, you turned out the lights. Now I’m paralyzed. Still stuck in that time when we called it love but even the sun sets in paradise.”

–Maroon 5

Pompeii – Bastille

ANGER

Hot & Cold – Katy Perry

“You’re hot then you’re cold. You’re yes then you’re no. You’re in then you’re out. You’re up then you’re down. You’re wrong then it’s right. It’s black then it’s white. We fight we break up. We kiss we make up. You don’t really wanna stay, no. But you don’t really wanna go, oh.”

–Katy Perry

Goodbye – Glenn Morrison Feat. Islove

“Now I…I wanna know what it took to leave me?”

–Glenn Morrison

Giant In My Heart – Kiesca

I could be angry at him…or at myself, for getting stuck, somewhere along the way.

What am I supposed to do?

Anger is a stage you hope you do not get stuck in for very long, but feeling the feelings has to be better than burying them deep down.

What Kind of Man – Florence + the Machine

So you think that people who suffer together would be more connected than people who were content?” she asks.

Does drama need to be a requirement for most people? In the end, can’t we do without?

The video of Florence in the car with the guy is chilling, tension thick, and then the crash!

“What kind of man loves like this?”

–Florence + the Machine

voices as powerful as Florence and Adele can bring forward emotions in me, ones I only choose to cover up the rest of the time.

Rolling in the Deep – Adele

“The scars of your love remind me of us. They keep me thinking that we almost had it all. The scars of your love, they leave me breathless. I can’t help thinking…we could have had it all.”

–Adele

Let Her Go – Passenger

“You only need the light when its burning low. Only miss the sun when it starts to snow. Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low. Only hate the road when you’re missing home.”

–Passenger

It’s the whole “not knowing what you have until you no longer have it thing.

BARGAINING

Cups (Pitch Perfect) When I’m Gone – Anna Kendrick

“When I’m gone. When I’m gone. You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone. You’re gonna miss me by my walk. You’re gonna miss me by my talk. Oh, you’re gonna miss me when I’m gone. You’re gonna miss me by my hair. You’re gonna miss me everywhere. Oh, you’re sure gonna miss me when I’m gone.”

–Anna Kendrick

Like repeating those words, over and over, like that will make it hurt less.

The lyrics that surround both sides, from anger to bargaining, cover the feelings of saving face.

It helps to assuage the strength of the anger to tell yourself they are missing out, their loss, because you are just that great.

One Last Time – Ariana Grande

Another catastrophic scene as the backdrop of a song about love. Hmmm.

If there is someone else, better suited for them, don’t you want that for someone you want only the best for, even if that does not include you anymore?

Break Your Plans – The Fray

Maybe. Maybe not.

The Great Escape – Patrick Watson

“Gets in his car and drives away…far from the things that we are.”

–Patrick Watson

Nothing worse than when the person you thought was always going to be in your life instead gets in their car and drives away, desperate to escape what you think is you.

Born To Die – Lana Del Rey

“Lost but now I am found. I could see but once I was blind. I was so confused as a little child. Tried to take what I could get…scared that I couldn’t find…all the answers honey.”

–Lana Del Ray

DEPRESSION

Don’t Turn Around – Ace of Base

“I will survive without you.”

–Ace of Base

It’s true, of course, but the depression can take hold and make it seem unlikely that it will ever feel better.

Where Did We Go Wrong – Toni Braxton & Babyface

And then the blame takes control, but only at myself.

Say Something – A Great Big World Feat. Christina Aguilera

“And I…am feeling so small. It was over my head. I know nothing at all. And I…will stumble and fall. I’m still learning to love, just starting to crawl. And I…will swallow my pride. You’re the one that I love, and I’m saying goodbye.”

–A Great Big World Feat. Christina Aguilera

This Summer’s Gonna Hurt Like A Motherf****r – Maroon 5

Seasons go by. It’s hard to sort out what it meant to be in love, as life goes on, the feelings of anger, mostly covering up those of painful regret.

Used To Love You – Gwen Stefani

“I don’t know why I cry, but I think it’s cause I remember for the first time, since I hated you, that I used to love you.”

–Gwen Stefani

“How” – Regina Spektor

“How can I ever know…why some stay others go?”

–Regina Spektor

At times it felt like people just kept on leaving. I thought it was something about me that kept on making them go, even when I knew with very little doubt that couldn’t be the reason, and after a while I started feeling sure they all would, in time.

It’s that thing about how one moment someone is a stranger to you, unknown and somewhere living their life, and suddenly they are a part of your life and an important part at that, and then, again and before you know what hit you, they are gone and no where to be found once more.

Somebody That I Used To Know – Gotye (feat. Kimbra)

Where did they go and how does the heart, the system adapt?

Perfect – One Direction

I understand feeling lonely, but I couldn’t see how so many people move on to someone new so quickly. I couldn’t, wouldn’t even dream of it, until I had to try.

Stay The Night – Zedd Feat. Hayley Williams

Even if it’s just to get past the mountainous wall of memories of another person, with the simple holding of a new hand, first time kissing someone other than the one before. At a certain point, once that transition is made, the world does not end and new experiences can be hat, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t an utterly strange feeling.

Say It Right – Nelly Furtado

But is it all in a vane attempt to disguise the still lingering feelings? Is it healthy? Is it the right way? Is there even one of those to take at all?

Hide Away – Kiesca

Is it all just a part of feeling that depression, by distraction, forcing forward motion, even if its motives aren’t quite so clear or pure?

Better In Time – Leona Lewis

“It’s been the longest winter without you. I didn’t know where to turn to. See, somehow I can’t forget you, after all that we’ve been through. How could I turn on the TV, without something that’d remind me? Was it all that easy, to just put aside your feelings?”

–Leona Lewis

The title of this song really says it all. It will get better in time. The thought of that feels daunting at first, I know, but I believe in just walking the road. That’s what I keep doing. I had to just keep the faith that I would come out stronger on the other end, but the journey continues.

ACCEPTANCE

Finally, right? Well, it has gotten easier, for sure. The rest of the songs I’ve included here are all upbeat, with yet still a sprinkling of sad throughout, but overall optimistic and full of truth.

Single Girls (Live) – Laura Jansen

I first discovered this song several years ago, as I was dealing with a wrong decision and a hard choice. Society overwhelmingly gives out the message that being single is something to pity or change, as soon as possible. I like the picture Laura paints, about what being alone again, after a relationship, what it’s really like.

“And I keep trying, I keep trying, to make my way back to the life where I belong. But God keeps lying, God keeps lying, saying this is for the best and nothing here is wrong. But I’m still thinking about, I’m still thinking about you. Still think about you.”

–Laura Jansen

It’s not begging to get another person back, like so many love songs. It’s just what life’s really like. It just is.

How Did We Get From Saying I Love You – Great Big Sea

I love the question this band asks in their song, all while singing with their signature brand of positivity, which feels like it’s imbedded in the very core of their musical sound.

“How did we get from saying “I love you” to “I’ll see you around someday”?

Good question GBS. Good question. Ah, the mysteries of life.

🙂

It’s that thought of accidentally running into the person who was once such a big part of your life, in the street one time, with a few polite words and a friendly greeting. After love, that just seems too odd to be reality, but that’s how it often goes.

‘Prayer for the Dying’ – Seal

I’m crossing that bridge…with lessons I’ve learned. Playing with fire and not getting burned. I may not know what you’re going through, but time is the space between me and you. Life carries on. It goes on.”

–Seal

Of course, you play with fire, you’ll likely get burnt. Doesn’t mean you should stop lighting candles on a birthday cake for example. Love and relationships come with risk, which can leave a burn, a mark. It’s true that we can never be exactly certain what another person might be going through. I try to always remember that part of the equation.

Odds Are – Barenaked Ladies

“The odds are that we…will probably be all right. Odds are we’re gonna be alright. Odds are we’re gonna be alright for another night.”

I don’t always do that well with odds, but in this song, when he says it I believe it.

“But somewhere in the world someone’s gonna fall in love by the end of this song.”

–Barenaked Ladies

And so the trick soon becomes to not completely close off to the possibility of love. It’s tempting to shy away, fearing another eventual burn, but there is always hope.

Begin Again – Taylor Swift

“I’ve been spending the last eight months…thinking all love ever does is break…and burn…and end. But on a Wednesday, in a cafe, I watched it begin again.”

–Taylor Swift

Moving on is acceptance and acceptance is moving on.

Not A Bad Thing – Justin Timberlake

“I know, people make promises…all the time…then they turn right around and break them.”

–Justin Timberlake

Don’t punish yourself and someone else for the past. Don’t be afraid to love.

Love Someone – Jason Mraz

I hope I end this story on an uplifting note. I’ll give Ed the last word.

“Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes, but it’s the only thing that I know.
When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes, it is the only thing makes us feel alive.”

–Ed Sheeran, Photograph

Bad Day

I See Fire, Ed Sheeran, Youtube

Last week, for the

Redefining Disability Awareness Challenge,

I described a

Good Day.

In life, with the good inevitably come the bad.

This isn’t easy to write and may be hard for some to read. I apologize.

Having a disability is already an extra stressor and can bring on times of depression about life. I am thankful, I must say before I continue, that I do not have clinical depression on top of that. Not having that allows the waves of depression and the bad thoughts and days to be outnumbered by what I know is good and joyous about my life.

***

Describe a bad day:

I am listening to:

Lord of the Rings, The Complete Soundtrack, on YouTube

as I write this week’s Memoir Monday post about a bad day.

I do this to provide me with some background music, yes, but also to put things in perspective.

Of course I will be giving you a glimpse into what a bad day is like for me.

There are plenty of dark and despairing parts in Tolkien’s tales, if you are at all familiar with that world.

But there are also those bright, cheerful, and hopeful parts and the music reflects both as I write.

***

I wake up and right away there is darkness, the day is black, but not because I am totally blind and see nothing at all. I still have the little bit of sight I had yesterday and the day before and the day before that.

It’s one of those bad days. They come and they go.

I want to look at myself in the mirror and all I see is a vague outlines staring back at me.

I want to jump in my car and go somewhere: groceries, errands, to visit someone, just drive aimlessly away from the life I am trapped in.

Oh wait! I can’t!

I don’t drive and there is no car other than the one that others must drive me in. The driving I sometimes do in my dreams taunts me when I am awake.

You are no good. You are lesser than, disability, disabled, unable, not at all capable.

You are helpless and you should hide away from others because you can’t possibly fit in, not when you lack the one sense valued above the rest.

You are as much of a burden as they say. Who are they? You know, them. the ones who don’t want you around, as a reminder of those poor blind people who must have a terrible, deprived existence. It’s one people don’t want to look too deep into and you would do best to just stay out of the way.

Stay hidden. It’s for the best.

You are constantly in the way and a drain on others. You can’t possibly contribute in any meaningful way, so don’t even bother trying.

You stand out like a sore thumb and people stare. You can’t see it, of course, but they do because you make them so uncomfortable and they would rather not look, but they can’t look away.

I am a freak.

I push everyone away. Why do people leave?

My blindness. Yes. It must be that. In a way it’s an easy scapegoat.

I have no future and nothing to look forward to, nothing but a dark, black void.

Why do I even bother to hope for something more?

I will lose the rest of my sight and I will be alone with my darkness.

That is how this story will end, as if it’s already been written.

The End

***

Quote from Stephen Fry:

There comes a time when the blankness of the future is just so extreme, it’s like such a black wall of nothingness.

It’s just nothingness, the void, emptiness and it’s just horrible. It’s like contemplating a futureless future and so you just want to step out of it. the monstrosity of being alive overwhelms you.

***

Daniel Powter, Bad Day, on YouTube

Of course this is an extreme example. I have many more good days than bad and the bad days are more like bad moments. the thoughts, they come and they go just as fast.

Next Memoir Monday:

Describe your baseline, or an average day.