There is one area I haven’t written a lot about here: love and dating.
I have spoken a bit, but have honestly been a little apprehensive about going too deeply into those issues, this past year or so.
It is a difficult subject for me still. I don’t know what I should or should not say and am afraid to say too much. Some things should remain private and need to be handled carefully.
I always try to think before I post here, if I can help it.
I have to say that the last time I suddenly became single I was absolutely excited for the possibilities. I was willing to take it one day at a time and explore my options. I felt good about my status as a single woman.
Not so much this time around.
I have found it difficult to simply get passed my history and the last few years of my life. For the first time, in nearly three years, I became single once more and I felt lost and adrift.
I am dating, begrudgingly now. It didn’t happen overnight and I am still unsure of what it is I want or what I’m doing.
It’s weird to have gone on an actual date again, for the first time.
I was back to the beginning again. I felt as anxious as anyone might. I was glad I took that step and met someone again, whether anything came of it at all. At least I finally took the plunge.
Back in the game, isn’t that what they say?
I don’t feel like playing any games. I try to focus on myself, but some things are inevitable, leading you places you didn’t necessarily want to go, even a few weeks ago. I’m still not sure I want to.
I am back to feeling like there is something wrong with me, if the guy I met never called me again. In reality, people like who they like and are attracted to who they are attracted to. It can’t be helped or even explained.
I understand because I have had to make those choices for myself as well. You must do what is right for you.
Those self-conscious feelings and thoughts are totally normal.
Why wasn’t I enough?
What didn’t they like about me?
I’ve decided I do not like dating in my thirties, not one bit.
It’s all so surreal. The age of technology and texting.
Tinder is the next big thing in the dating world of App’s. This, unfortunately, counts me out.
And I recently heard there is a charge for anyone over thirty who uses it. Can you say agism?
What a rip-off!
Swipe left for not interested and swipe right for yes. If you receive a right-swipe back, you’ve got a match.
I’ll admit, I have enjoyed watching Conan’s bits where he signs up for Tinder and alike, but that’s all in fun.
My own dating story is a lot more sober and sombre.
I guess I have been rather unsure of late, with a story I saw on the news a few weeks back.
WOMAN RAPED BY GUY SHE MET ON ONLINE DATING WEBSITE …
Of course this could happen to anyone at any time, but it left me hesitant and I think that showed in my attitude on my recent meeting. I probably didn’t seem all that comfortable, letting the news story or simply my own state of mind intrude somewhat on our conversation.
Subconsciously, I did not show up fully in…and open to the experience.
I told myself I didn’t need to wear makeup. That’s not what I am really like in my day to day life, I told myself. Why should I be anything other than who I am?
If they don’t like it, their loss.
This, generally, is not a blog on dating, the trials and tribulations of the act of finding a match.
I just don’t know what might be getting in my way, tripping me up. I feel like I am stuck in dating and romance quicksand. I can’t go back and I am paralyzed, unable to truly move forward.
I am so very sick of dwelling on the past and terrified of the future.
The present is all I’ve got, as much as I am a planner who wants to know what to expect and what’s to come.
That sand has me stuck well and good though, I must say.
So are you the one?
Not necessarily the one one, but someone I could care about?
Maybe this time or maybe not. Maybe the next?
That’s what’s supposed to be exciting about it, right?
Because you can just never predict…
But until then: I guess it’s back to nothing for dinner, a piece of fruit, or the always-reliable microwave popcorn of my youth.