More Than Less #JusJoJan

It’s one of the three main keys for the
podcast
I have with my brother: family,
humour,
and creativity

and we try to bring it into the radio show we now record every Monday morning at eleven, even though Outlook is a show about accessibility, advocacy, and equality.

Life can be hard. A humourless personality is unfortunate. We gotta have something to break up some of the monotony of daily living.

A sense of it is high on a list of qualities for most online dating profiles.

Thanks,
Sadje,
for this prompt, especially on Blue Monday in the month of January.

I like this month for blue and in February I think red.

Wine’s Fine But Whisky’s Quicker, #SoCS

“Closing time – one last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer. Closing time – you don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here.”

I like this song from the nineties. I thought it fit well, it came to mind, as soon as I finished reading, or should I say listening to an audiobook today and here is my review.

Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari

Ever hear of the saying from my title of this week’s Stream of Consciousness Saturday post?

Okay, so how many nights are bars and clubs full of people, looking for something, but just what are they looking for in those places?

It’s right up my alley. The topic of love, romance, and relationships and it is all from the hilarious comedic mind and heart of the Parks and Recreation star.

I will admit he wasn’t my favourite character on that show. I was more of a Ron Swanson fan, but since the end of the series I have watched some of his comedy specials. He is about my age and he is just trying to figure out the relationship questions facing many people of our age group.

Many of the topics he first covered on stage and in his jokes and humorous observations are what he put into his new NetFlix series, “Master of None”, a semi autobiographical snapshot (which I am in the middle of watching).

Here they now are in book form. Normally, I like to read books on my own. Occasionally though, the argument can be made to listen, especially when the book is narrated by the author himself. It brings a level of personality and humour that I wouldn’t get if I read it.

It begins with some catchy, smooth, chilling music as he introduces the book. It fits the romantic feeling he wants to bring across, until he can’t help his comedic style and starts yelling and calling us, the listeners lazy for not bothering to read on our own.

JK aside

🙂

I love this book because he discusses a lot of really interesting parts of modern romance in modern times, but he does it with little bursts of his signature sense of humour.

He tackles such topics as social media, online dating, sexting, what he terms the act of being “monogomish”, cheating, and our generation’s give-up attitude, not sticking things out and the fear that, with all the options of a wide open world, that we’re never happy and always wondering if there’s something better out there.

He uses some of his own life experiences in the dating world, focus groups and ReddIt forums, and studies and expert opinions from psychologists, anthropologists, and journalists who study love and relationships.

He even went into a retirement community and asked people from previous generations about love and marriage from their standpoint. One old guy was only there for the free doughnuts, but the rest did offer valuable insights into how they met their partners, when and why they got married, and how they feel their lives turned out.

The only way we can learn is by studying the past and by asking questions of those who have gone before us, but times do change. Okay, so sometimes the more things do change the more they remain the same.

This is both different and similar, as the years pass, but as the clock of our lives ticks on, what will we look back on at the end and regret that we didn’t do or feel?

Aziz and his team of interviewers and experts speak with people in North America, Europe, and Asia.

There are some interesting insights into how monogamy is handled in France when compared to the US. Either one going to extremes.

Women’s options were fewer and roles were measured in different ways years ago. Respect should be timeless and for everyone.

Can love really last?

Of course it can’t, not in the mad and passionate way spoken of in the book and desired by most of us.

His expert scientists share scans and, he points out there are graphs and charts in the book, but that they can’t be translated in the same way when listening to the audio version.

He talks about what I would think is obvious, but is one of the lesser obvious things from what I’ve seen: that new love is exciting and it lights up the brain just like a drug, but that this feeling can’t possibly last, nor should it. If someone chooses to continuously chase that high all their life, rather than accept life’s inevitable ups and downs, well there’s really nothing to be done to convince them that the benefits of finding one person to have as a partner and a companion could ever be more than enough.

I can’t fault social media and technology. My iPhone and the Internet are invaluable to me. Online dating websites have helped me open up and find people I never would have met otherwise. It’s all a matter of perspective.

Can these things make jealousy and deceit easier? Of course they can. Doesn’t mean these things did not exist before them. Shakespeare is proof of that.

In the book he quotes rapper Pitbull and a line in Spanish, translated to say:

“What the eyes don’t see the heart doesn’t feel.”

This is exactly the level of immaturity that exists out there, when people only care about themselves and have no consideration for anyone else.

I recently wrote about having faith, now that we’ve arrived at the Christmas season, that just because something can’t be seen with two eyes, doesn’t mean it isn’t there, happening, or could potentially hurt or harm other people.

Myself and every other blind person could tell you that many times the heart feels things, without having to see with the eyes. This just shows the many and varied beliefs, opinions, and experiences of love and romance.

This book was not a literary classic, but it was an excellent story and well told. You just can’t get the same affect without Ansari’s voice and his acting.

Has he himself found the kind of love that will flow from mad and passionate into a long term respectful companionship? Hard to say for sure, but if you enjoy audiobooks or books on love and relationships, I would recommend Modern Romance.

So, in closing…with one final piece of advice from the book:

He calls it, “acquired likability through repetition”, instead of nothing more than an “option that lives in your device”.

Okay, well it’s all often in the wording. Of course, he is simply referring to the picky way some people look for love, giving up on someone after one date, if they weren’t ready to see fireworks. Smart phones make it much too easy, he points out, to think of someone on the other end, side of a phone screen as one dimensional words in a little speech bubble, instead of a human being with feelings, hopes, and a heart.

What are your thoughts on these topics? Have you heard of monogomish? Do you think love can last? Is there any situation where cheating is acceptable? Are you an Aziz Ansari fan? Have you heard of the song I quote above?

SoCS

There you go with some music to start, a little book review, and my stream of consciousness ramblings for Linda’s weekly prompt:

http://lindaghill.com/2015/12/11/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-dec-1215/

Only one more left to go before Christmas is here.

SoCS: TMI

Stream of Consciousness Saturday

***

When you read the title of my SoCS post this week, you may be nervous to read on any further. I know what sorts of stuff could fall under the category of “too much information”. I have shuddered a time or two at this, when it is the case. I don’t like too much information, if it’s of the icky variety. People do share much too much with others these days. Some don’t know when enough is enough or when something is better off, more appropriate for a different setting altogether.

I am no prude, but there is a time and place.

I just read somewhere of some one’s bad online dating experiences. They received multiple unwanted penis shots from guys and this turned them off of meeting anyone this way. Can’t say I blame them. Definite TMI moment there.

I do think, with the informational and technological age we now find ourselves in, that there is an awful lot of over-sharing going on. I have fallen into this trap myself, on occasion.

😉

Why, just this week I shared a photo of my new haircut on Facebook. of course, there’s nothing wrong with this, in theory.

In theory, Communism works, in theory.

Okay, I couldn’t resist a Simpsons quote just there. Not my true feelings on communism, or well let’s just say that’s a subject for another time entirely.

I don’t know what makes us crave that attention or that connection, where we want others to view and comment on a haircut we’ve just received. That’s the sort of information I can’t quite figure out.

But with things like Facebook and Twitter I do understand.

As for media, streaming services are becoming the norm. I guess it’s just easier for people to get their fill and their fix of the movies they love, sitting home with their game systems and their tablets.

I still love going to a movie theatre, but it’s the drive-in that’s going the way of the dinosaurs. Extinct.

Today, June 6th, is Drive-in Movie Day.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY: first drive-in movie theater opens

I just wanted to recognize this form of entertainment. It doesn’t appear, on closer inspection, that it is disappearing totally, but the one around here just shut down. Nobody wanted to buy it. It had a sort of run-down feel to it, but I think these places should retain their historical charm. It’s a feeling of the past that confronts me when I go to the drive-in. I feel like I am going back in time, to my parents generation or my grandparents’. I like the idea of sitting in my vehicle and having the movie coming through the speakers.

I have some good memories of seeing Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince there. I would see that one three times.

🙂

I saw Brad Pitt fight off zombies there. *Shudders*

Certain forms of information and entertainment seem to die out, making room for new ones.

Too much or a lack of?

***

This is my weekly post for:

http://lindaghill.com/2015/06/05/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-june-615/

Do you think that TMI is a problem in the world today?

Dating in the Dark

All joking aside:

Blind Bonus.

There are some questions I’ll probably never totally come to a decision on.

***

Q: In what other ways are your interpersonal relationships affected by disabilities?

Examples might be that it’s harder to form or maintain relationships or that people treat you differently once they realize you have a disability.

A: Yes. Yes. Yes.

🙂

One way this is the case is in dating, but today I will speak specifically about online dating.

I could write a whole book on this subject, with the experience I have had with it over the last five years, but up until now I have resisted writing anything to do with this fast-growing method of finding love.

I have resisted, not sure why that is.

Dating is one interpersonal relationship issue I have yet to write extensively on.

It is, indeed, harder to form this kind of relationship when you can’t locate a stranger, out of a crowd, with whom you might have an interest in. It can narrow down the places where meeting someone is possible. All of this, and yet I was determined and I have had some success.

The question here is one I struggle with every time I begin speaking with a new guy online.

Of course, in person it is obvious, often glaringly so. I like to think I can fit in, in public, and not stand out as the blind girl. This isn’t always very realistic for me to think.

Online, I have never been able to decide when and how to bring it up.

Do you, perchance, know the answer to this?

🙂

Do I mention it first thing in my online dating profile? Do I casually attempt to sneak it in the middle somewhere? Or leave it until the last few lines?

Am I looking like I mean to hide the fact, if I don’t come right out and say it? Do I ruin things before even getting started, scaring someone off, if I make it the first thing they read?

I don’t want my blindness to be all I am; it’s not.

I want to be able to show that I am a well-rounded person, with many interests and passions. My blindness is a factor, for sure, but it can’t be how I define myself overall or that is how others will start defining me too.

Yes, people do treat me differently when I do reveal this one detail in particular. This, I understand. I can empathize.

Whether I reveal it in my first message, during a subsequent phone call, or when they show up to meet me face-to-face.

I have experienced different amounts of shock and surprise. I have heard it all, from the pause of several seconds, to the stuttering response, to the normal array of curiosity and its companioning questions.

Like anything else, it isn’t a good idea to leave it out and just show up for coffee, cane in hand. This, like being less than honest about current weight or age, it can result in a bad rapport from the start. I know not to pull this on anyone. It really is not fair and it leaves me awkward and fumbling too.

I like to know, somewhat, what I am getting and I want the other person to have the same courtesy from me.

At the moment I am watching a tribute special for Stevie Wonder.

Of course, it is no secret that Stevie is blind. He doesn’t seem to have had any trouble meeting partners in his own life. I doubt this “wonder” has never had to utilize online dating to find women.

then again, who knows.

At one point, host LL Cool J asks everyone to take a moment and close their eyes, even going as far to darken the screen, while the song Stevie wrote for his baby daughter years ago is being performed by a few fans and fellow performers.

http://entertainthis.usatoday.com/2015/02/16/stevie-wonder-tribute-beyonce-john-legend-lady-gaga/

This is certainly an interesting part of this special. I was wondering when they were going to address his blindness. I figured they would.

Now I am no Stevie Wonder.

🙂

I haven’t had his talent or fame to help me meet people.

Stevie Wonder has been the main spokesperson for the blind community, world-wide. When most people think of blindness, they think of him. He has been extremely successful in his life, blindness notwithstanding, but dating, love, and children are experienced differently when unable to see the faces of loved ones.

I know it is a touchy subject sometimes. I wish there was a one-hundred percent agreed upon answer to my main question of this post.

I know online dating works. If I keep my eyes open, pardon the pun, I can and have found those who are willing to be flexible and give dating a blind woman a shot.

I have never been accused of trying to hide my blindness when commencing conversations with anyone online. I’ve found the right time to slip in my blindness in there. It works and I am always navigating the turns and the bumps of dating online.

I guess some questions will never have definitive answers to them. This, I greatly dislike. I like to know which way to go when I am struggling with a question and when no answer presents itself to me, I rail at the uncertainty.

I don’t want to be treated different, but unfortunately this is unavoidable in most instances.

Someone who has never before spoken to a blind person will not usually know, right off the cuff, how to handle themselves.

I try to make them feel at ease, by simply speaking of your normal, run-of-the-mill things that anyone who’s just getting to know another person might discuss.

This is often all it takes to keep things moving forward. And forward is the only way any hoped-for relationship will have a chance.

Sure, some may halt any further conversation, but there’s always more out there. Sometimes, the shock of it is just too much for a person to handle. That is their prerogative.

I could always start a new series on this blog, online dating adventure series, but i think I’ll continue to resist this impulse.

🙂

You never know. Maybe this week’s question will have started something, but then again I am not sure people want to hear about such things on a regular basis.

I wonder if there’s a site out there, devoted only to online dating stories, good or bad.

Well, while I’m off to investigate that further, please offer your thoughts and/or opinions on my question and I will leave you with my favourite of Stevie’s lesser well-known hits.

Stevie Wonder – PArt Time Lover – YouTube

***

Have you ever tried online dating?

Did you ever find out something about someone you were talking with that surprised you? When is it important, do you think, to provide certain details?

How have others reacted when you’ve offered up something you’ve been nervous to mention?

On next week’s Memoir Monday post, for the

Redefining Disability Awareness Challenge,

is a question that is at the heart of this whole thing.

Do you have preferred language when it comes to disability?