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As Long As There’s Christmas: My Grownup Letter For Santa, 2015

Funny, watching Tim Allen play the role made me want to write this letter.


Monday, December 7th, 2015

Dear Santa,

It’s been a while. I would’ve paid more attention to getting this letter to you in time, but it’s not like the old days. Now there’s email. You should get this immediately, as is the way in our world, instantaneous.

I wrote you last a few years back, when I wanted something very badly, as an adult. As an adult, I suddenly no longer believed in the idea that even you could make any dream come true. I know you didn’t ever just bring a little girl a pony, just because she asked for it when she sat on your lap.

This does not make you any less magical. I had my doubts there, and still have my days, but then I tell myself you know what we want, as children, long before we ever know ourselves.

Children soon learn that dreams don’t always come true, but we adults do our best to postpone just that eventuality, and you play a vital part in that. I still thought I would talk to you about what I wish for, even if you can’t make it happen. I know, at least, you would never judge or argue with me. You will just listen and that’s all I could ask for, kind of what I need this year.

I never needed the fancy wrappings. In our house, on Christmas morning, the gifts always sat unwrapped underneath our Christmas tree. This never mattered to me. I love a shiny present with a bow on top just as much as the next person, but it’s a lesson for life. Material things aren’t everything, but as I grew up I learned, from you, that it matters not only what’s inside or outside alone. One does not mean more than the other, if it’s made up of love and care.

Of course, to a certain point with Christmas presents it’s what’s on the inside that counts. Maybe this is not such a selfish thing as we’ve been made to believe because people’s insides are what count too, not only what their outer wrappings might be. As bright, colourful, shiny, and sparkly as the outside wrapper might well appear, it’s the whole package that’s what’s truly important. The outer wrappings often only distract the eye from what else might be going on beneath the surface.

I went from wishing for doll houses and Brita water jugs (just like any eleven-year-old girl would do), to safe and warm homes for every child and fresh water for every person on the planet.

Anything I ever really wanted, or really all I ever needed, I got and I learned to appreciate how lucky that made me. You were the one behind that. You were a better reality than the magic and the story. Being born blind has taught me one thing:

“Seeing isn’t believing. Believing is seeing.”

Okay, I admit I haven’t believed in you lately, in a while. I have seen too much of the reality of adulthood to feel your magic and your impact, but we all need something to believe in, right? I see so little, less and less since I was a little girl, but I know and believe enough in many many things that I cannot and may never see again. Simply because I don’t see something, that does not mean it isn’t there or does not exist.

I know the reach of your talents, the rules of your job, and the pressures that go along with that, not wanting to let anyone down. I know you have a lot of girls and boys wanting something, different things from you. You do your best, just like any of us do ours, not to let those who may be counting on us down. I feel like I am constantly putting demands on other people, and I guess you are no exception.

I want less violence in the world. I want to make a difference with that, to be given the opportunity to achieve that through a future in writing. I want love. I want to see the world. All of this I don’t think you can give me, but if you could at least show me the way to find some of these things myself, that would be suitable.

All I really want from you is to give my niece and nephews as many years of being safe in their childhood lives. I want them to enjoy their childhood years together for as much time as you can provide. As long as you remain real as real can be to them I will once more believe in you with all the faith I had as a child myself.

For as long as you continue to represent the innocence and example of a safe male stranger, in a world where it feels so unsafe for our children to trust these things, I will remember that you were that to me too once.

your bright red and white on the outside contain all the best things about an adult, one children don’t have any reason to fear and every reason in the world to look up to. Your jolly magical spirit shines through and you give off an aura of a safe world, where people are kind, giving, and worth trusting.

You accomplish so much, in such a short amount of time, and we need to look to this example for the rest of us adults. Our children deserve that kind of determination for a better world, for more than we’re currently giving them.

The part of Christmas I need, more than any one present, is the childlike faith in things working out for the best. You can bring that back in me and all the rest isn’t what I need you for. I know this isn’t too much to ask Santa. I will always be grateful to you for that naive child’s view that I feel most strongly this time of year, of which you play such a huge role.

I believe in you through the hope you inspire and in the possibilities you represent to the children in my life. I can get back there, as much as is humanly possible for me at this time, as I get all these thoughts down and sent off to you in this letter.

I know you will read through this letter carefully and will understand what I am trying to say, even if nobody else quite does. A secret between the two of us, an understanding I hope we will always have, and that the consideration you give this will be enough to grant me everything I really want for Christmas.

I was given the challenge of writing a letter, but there’s nobody else I’d even think about writing a letter to at this time of year than you. I thought about writing it in braille, but worried it wouldn’t make it to you in your North Pole in time. I always was impressed you could read it. Email is a modern convenience I do benefit from, but it’s not quite the same thing, so I hope you will forgive me.

Your biggest lifelong fan,

As Long As There’s Christmas

History, Memoir and Reflections, Special Occasions, Throw-back Thursday

Christmas 2014: My Wish

“What is this illusion called – the innocence of youth? Maybe only in that blind belief can we ever find the truth.”

Amy Grant, Grown Up Christmas List on YouTube

“Wook wook,” my little nephew says, as he squats by the Christmas tree and points his finger at the pictures of snowmen. He didn’t need or care about the contents of the gifts under the tree. He loved the brightly coloured wrapping.

Santa is still a new concept to him, at two years old, but it is slowly about to dawn on him that there is this mysterious guy in red and a white beard who can bring him something he wishes for once a year.

I am grown now, but I still long to return to that age of innocence, the one where Santa can make magic happen for me.

I know Santa isn’t able to bring me what I really want. the things I want are listed in the song above and the rest I already have.

It’s my first year with a blog at Christmas and I wanted to write something meaningful and jolly, but what Christmas story could I possibly come up with that I haven’t already seen?

This year I watched three new Christmas movies, at least to me: National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989), A Christmas Story (1983, released a mere few months before I was born), and finally (an unrivalled classic) It’s A Wonderful Life (1946).

I can’t say why I hadn’t seen these three so far in my over thirty years on this planet. They were all before my time, the third more than the first two, obviously, but somehow I missed out and did not grow up with any of these having the impact on my childhood as they do so many others.

Again I enjoyed the beloved Christmas Eve tradition of watching Scrooge (more commonly known as A Christmas Carol, 1951) with my father and family. Each year life alters in both big and small ways, which I reflect on as I watch the so familiar story of the three ghosts and the realization the character of Scrooge gains by the end of the film.

I reflect on the themes of generosity and appreciation Charles Dickens wrote about in the book and on my own past, present, and future and on that of the worlds’.

This 2014 it has been the start of the bicentennial markers of events during World War I and to me the Christmas truce of 1914 is an intriguing event.

The Real Story Behind the 1914 Christmas Truce of World War I

It must have been a great risk for those first to step out of the relative safety of their own trench and onto No Man’s Land to hesitantly greet a so-called enemy in a war they did not quite understand.

They hoisted lanterns from their side and began to sing, in a show of peace and good will. This was followed with friendly greetings, human being to human being, and presented gifts of cigars and alcohol.

Supposedly photos of loved ones back home were shared and this is something they all had in common.

My real Christmas wish is the essence of the song Grown Up Christmas List.

Peace can be found when effort is made, not to shoot or fire on someone you may be battling or fighting with.

Of course this did not last past December 25th and the Great War would get unspeakably ugly and horrific. This may have been the end of some sort of romantic time of chivalry and gentlemanly behaviour that would soon be no more, but really things don’t happen that way.

Humans are basically the same now as then. We have the free will and choice not to take the low road, while still so tempting for so many.

Today and this entire month the lights and the music and the shopping were a little lost on me, I must admit.

I know I am not the only one who must try extra hard during this holiday season to feel merry and jolly. It makes you feel inadequate when you can’t quite reach the level of celebration expected and so clearly felt by others all around you.

For me, it felt odd because I have always felt a heightened sense of happiness around the holidays and then this year my annual good mood did not arrive as I have come to know it.

I use the song above and the remembrance of what went on 100 years ago (demonstrating what we as human beings are, in deed, capable of), to put my less than happy Christmas 2014 into a much needed perspective.

I let the innocence and developing experience of a happy and a magical Christmas that my young niece and nephews are having bring me an added bit of a boost this particular year.

I know they can see the beauty and the value in a thing like a wrapped present and that can be enough. Toys aren’t everything in life and those desires won’t last.

Life can’t be the way it once was at Christmas—I know that.

I only want the things that I already have, the ones that no Santa can bring me, and the ones the world may never fully find.

I will watch A Christmas Carol again in 2015 and hopefully my mood will have jumped considerably, depending on the events of this coming year, but as long as I have what I know I already want I remain confident I can get through anything thrown at me during the months to come.

Other than the family I am lucky to have and of which so many others do not:

I want those who disagree to come to a truce.

I want the pain of lost love to heal and strengthen, to be able to someday find love again.

I wish for anyone who feels lonely to know what it feels like not to be, to experience what it’s like to find friendship and acceptance.

Merry Christmas or whatever you may believe, from me here at HerHeadache. Having this blog allows me to find strength, acceptance, and hope. These things I wish for today and all year round.

I hope you find all you wish for and that you are not alone, with loved ones to share this day with.

I’m off to eat some chocolate because, whatever you may believe in on this day, it can only get better with a little chocolate right?